Recently, I’ve come to an epiphany. I don’t like to be bothered. Obvious? Well, yes, but I don’t mean it as matter-of-factly as it seems. I’ve discovered that there is very little in life that I am truly willing to invest myself in. In almost every pursuit, I get to a point and just decide that the final push is not worth the effort.
The odd thing is that I’m obsessive. No, really – quite obsessive. It’s never made sense to me why I can obsess so much and accomplish so little. I’ve always lied to myself (and others) that it’s because I’m a perfectionist… a very easy and elitist (but acceptable) view. As I said – a lie.
Truth? I don’t believe it will be worth it in the end… I don’t believe I can accomplish that which I’ve set out to do at a high enough quality level to be impressive. And, boy, I want to be impressive. Who doesn’t? Well, I do. I want people to look at me and say, “Wow, you did that like nobody else could… you’re the best at [thing to do].”
But, I know, that I’m mostly average… just like everyone else. So… why try if you can’t be the best (or, hey, I’m willing to settle for being in the top 10%). This has filtered itself into every corner of my life. My spiritual disciplines (reading the Bible, praying, studying, etc.), my marriage (investing real time to be a real blessing to my amazing wife, letting her see just how amazing I know she is), my time with my kids (reading books, going exploring, teaching them), my personal hobbies (geeking out, blogging, reading books), and… well, everything.
So… now that I’ve had an epiphany, will I change? I mean, I’m 40… this is pretty ingrained stuff. How do you change something this deeply embedded within your psyche at 40 years of age?
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. (Romans 8:26-30; ESV)
Hopefully, you see in these writings a man who is staying The Course and pursuing The Path amidst the pitfalls and selfish ways of being a son of Adam. I pray earnestly that my writing would encourage some of you by showing you that this journey - though arduous and sometimes tragic - is a journey of great satisfaction. A satisfaction greater than our greatest imaginings. The trials and refining fire of tribulation are to be recognized as a small shadow of the suffering of our Savior so that we can rejoice, as Peter and the disciples did, to be counted worthy to suffer for the sake of the Name.